Seasonal Depression

Gloomy Skies=Gloomy Me

There are a few things that give me the blues. Dealing with John, sleep deprivation, and dark days. In the last week I have had to deal with all three. Not a good combination.

I was so excited to see my brother, sister in law and nieces for Christmas. I cooked a big meal on Christmas day and my friend Melissa and her parents came out to my dad's as well as Duane, Carolyn and the girls. It was stressful trying to get everything ready at the same time. But all in all it turned out okay. The problem was that I was a little stressed, more on that later. Then we started playing dominoes and played until 3:30 am. It was fun, but it was exhausting. Especially because Cayla didn't sleep well. So not much sleep that night. We stayed up till about midnight the rest of the time and the baby didn't sleep still. I love to play dominoes and stuff with the gang, we laugh and call names and have lots of trash talking going on. But the sleep deprivation is way bad for me.

On top of that the weather turned gloomy. Very dark and rainy. I love rain, if I can stay home in bed or on the couch all day. But I need sunlight. I used to tan and the light was great for my mood. But it killed the endometriosis, so I had to stop. Today at work I had all the lights on. It helped some, but not as much as natural sunlight would. I need a grow light-lol. I always get a little down at this time of year. This year is not nearly as bad as last year so I am on a roll.

John got Zane last weekend, but didn't get the baby. He agreed to bring Zane back between 5 and 6 on Christmas eve. Then he changed his mind and threw a fit. It was just like the old days dealing with irrational John. Reminded me a little of what I didn't like about the marriage. But it also upset me greatly. I really thought he wasn't going to bring Zane back. Thankfully he did bring him back and it all turned out okay. I think a lot of it had to do with Mary being with him. It made him nervous or something. He picked Zane up again today and brought him home again. He stayed for about an hour and played with the baby. He fed her and changed her and hugged her and watched her play. No problems between us at all. No Mary either, so it really does make a difference. At least I got through today.

I have also been a little sad wondering if I would ever find that all so elusive happiness with a mate. Not sure I am going to be able to maintain any kind of relationship. Not sure about my attractiveness to others. I know I am a good person, just not sure I am beautiful enough. I guess for the right person I will be. They will see through the flaws to the real beautiful me. I just have to stop screwing up. I am not good at waiting so I make up endings and usually get them wrong. That is what I did with the guy I dated a few times. Just read things wrong and made a bad decision. Now I have to live with it. But I will survive.

I tend to push people away then expect them to not go. I guess part of me is really crazy. I have just not been feeling great about me lately. Need to make some positive changes.

The sun will come out tomorrow. Both in the real world and in my mind. I will be okay. I just have to remember that I am worthy and stop thinking I am not. I need to remember God is ultimately in control. He provides all the sunshine I need, I just have to blow the clouds away.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow your only a day away. The sun will come out tomorrow, tomorrow. etc.

In the meantime I destroyed a potentially good thing, and lost a great friend along with my perspective. Now I can only hope for the best. The right person for me will come along. And when he does, I will know it. He will love me in spite of me. He will be kind and caring and verbalize how he really feels. He will be all that I prayed for and more importantly all that I didn't.