Frustration

Well I haven't posted in a while so I guess I need to re-think what to say. I am frustrated today with all the pressure of being a single mom. Life is just not fair sometimes. I don't think being single would be so hard if I wasn't dealing with a sick child. Zane was ill the whole week of my birthday and then I have been sick and of course dealing with Cayla. I think that my feelings have gotten lost in the shuffle somehow.

John and I spoke for a while the night before I took Cayla to Lubbock. But then after the Lubbock trip he would barely speak. I just don't want to deal with him anymore. He isn't sure he can come for surgery, and that frustrates me. I am left to deal with everything alone and that frustrates me. My house is a wreck and that frustrates me. I don't feel well and that frustrates me. You get the picture.

Then yesterday I got the return slip from a package I mailed to John. Mary had signed it. That was just the last straw. I can't even mail something to John without her being involved. They give no thought to how I might feel. So I have decided to ask John not to come for surgery. I don't think he really wants to be involved anyway, this way he can blame me for everything and then he doesn't have to feel guilty. And I don't have to be disappointed when he doesn't come, because I will have planned it that way.

Cayla's hearing screeing didn't go well. We have to go back next week. I hope that the result is better next time.

I had a job interview on the 28th, but haven't heard anything back. I am just glad to have interviewed. I don't think I asked enough questions though. That probably wasn't a good thing, didn't show interest or something. I will call later this week to see if they made a decision. In the meantime I am just doing what I can to stay sane.

I miss having a companion. Someone to share the responsibility and the burden. Someone to hold my hand and discuss things with me. I don't think God created me to be alone. But I have no intentions of looking for a companion. I am too afraid of being hurt and too afraid that the kids will be hurt. So in finding his own happiness, John ignored what it would mean to me. Just another example of my feelings being lost in the shuffle.

Well enough randomness for now. Must post a few things on Caylas blog.