Reach out and touch someone

The phone is a marvelous invention. It can take you places you have never been and can bring loved ones close. Twice this week I have had really great phone calls and they made my day brighter.

The first call was a total surprise and was the best. My very very very good friend Holly called from Belgium. Too much fun. She sounded as if she were just next door and I was even on the cell phone. It was so much fun to hear from her and getting to hear her sweet baby cooing and crying was so sweet. Holly was with me during my labor with Zane and was a true comfort. I know that she will be holding my hand in spirit when Becca comes. I was certainly holding hers as Gideon came. It is amazing how God allows us to touch others even when they are so far away. It was sad to say goodbye, but I know she is right here with me so that helps. If you have never experienced that kind of emotion, I hope you will some day. It is what keeps us connected as humans.

The next phone call was to my sweet sister (okay sister in law). We don't get to talk often as she is an hour ahead of us and our nightly schedules conflict. But I called anyway this week. It was so fun to hear her on the phone and actually carry on a conversation. We email a lot but it just isn't the same. Hard to be funny in email. Especially when you have to wait for the response. Anyway she is flying out next week to be here when the baby arrives--unless Baby decides on her own plan. I can't wait for Carolyn jr. to be here. She will bring much comfort with her and will be a huge help. Ask any new mom and she will tell you how important it is to have someone there during those first days at home. I wish jr. could stay longer, but work will call her home in a short time. At least I know she is only a phone call away and a two hour flight in case of emergency. I just wish Heaven worked the same way so I could have mom here too. But there is that spiritual connection so I know she will be with me all the way.

This week I encourage you to reach out and touch someone. Just give them a quick call, go ahead make their day.

Becky and Becca at 37 weeks 4 days

Becky's blog


Almost time. Almost time. Almost time. ARRGH. I am now officially scheduled to be induced on April 6. I could still go into labor prior to that date, but it gives me a target. I am ready and not ready all at the same time. I am excited and sad all at once. Random, conflicting emotions all run together. ARGHH!!!

Okay now that I have taken a relaxing breath, I am okay. I do not look forward to the induction, I have heard they hurt more than natural labor. I do look forward to seeing the baby for real. I have seen her in sonograms, but nothing is like holding a real baby. I think she has chubby cheeks and a cute mouth, big feet and long fingers. But what do I really know from the black and white sonogram image. All I know for sure is that she is a Girl. I still don't even know her full name. A name is forever, so I want to make sure hers is good. With Zane we had his name picked at about 25 weeks and that was that. Amanda was named when I was just 6 weeks along. I don't know what a boy name would have been but we had that girl name for a long time. This time I just don't know. I really want to honor my mom, but can't figure it out. This is one thing I miss about having a partner. Then I could blame him if the baby hates her name later. Now it is all on me.

I still miss John, but have come to realize that no matter what, I couldn't have taken him back and treated him well. I would have always wondered about the other woman and their life together short as it was. Now I just wish him well. Once the baby is born I can move on. Right now I just have to get past the will he be there for labor or won't he stage. I also need to make sure the baby is okay.

9 days and I will be a mom for the 3rd time. Wow, it happened so fast. I can't believe it. Then again it seems like forever. At least we are in the home stretch now.

The big C

Cancer has been a household word in my world for a long time. I guess since I was about 6 years old. My mom had breast cancer for the first time then. When I was 24, she had her second round and then when I was 30 it happened again. I lost my mom to this horrible disease when she was only 61, and I was 33 (actually about 3 weeks before my 33rd b-day). So I know what it is like to be on the outside looking in on cancer. I also know that it effects all those that love the person with the cancer. But because I have experienced so much due to cancer, I am not as afraid of it as I once was. I just think, hey do what you have to in order to beat it.

All that is to say, my husband has cancer. Yes, he is my soon to be ex-husband, but for now he is my husband. I hate that he is having to face this alone, but then again he has a girlfriend to support him, so I guess he is not alone. I just wish he would have allowed me to support him through this. He was so good to me through my mom's last battle, I wish I could return the favor. I don't know all the details and probably never will. I just know he has had surgery and is being treated. I should feel some kind of vindication, like so if you think with your penis maybe it will fall off--but I just feel bad for him. I know this has really thrown him. I will just pray he is soon healed and happy.

I guess that for whatever reason, God is determined for cancer to be a part of my life. Thankfully I haven't had to deal with it personally--yet. Everything happens for a reason. I guess that is why I have been able to carry this child to term and why she is apparently healthy. There is a slim chance that John's cancer could affect his fertility. But I bet he tests that one out really soon. So before I know it he will be having a child with someone else. I guess I just need to prepare for that.

Waiting

Still waiting for baby. I guess she will come in her own time, pretty close to her due date. That is good, but man am I tired of being pregnant and tired. Next is a new mom and tired, so I guess the tired doesn't go away. I am still a one and the doctor couldn't feel her head so she has a way to go. I am betting on delivery somewhere close to the 3rd of April. We will just have to see.
Things have really deteriorated with John. Week before last he and I actually talked and things seemed okay. But then I asked about Mary and that was the end of that. I just want him to admit that she had a role in our demise. He still won't take any responsibility for his part in the divorce. He always just says I was unhappy and hid it. Well we could have worked on that. And that is like blaming me for his unhappiness. Still don't know what his illness is. I guess I will never know.
He had Zane over the weekend, but spent the entire time with Mary. I really wish he could spend time with just Zane. Zane needs that more than anything. But I called the lawyer and he was going to contact John's attorney to have him stop overnight visits with a member of the opposite sex, not related to him. I don't know if that will help, but at least it is a start. I still can't believe he has replaced me with her. I guess she must be a really great person, or else I was just a horrible wife.
I miss having a companion to share this pregnancy with. Someone to plan with and dream with. Someone to time contractions and hold my hand when I deliver. Someone to lie next to me at night and hold my hand. I miss John. Can't help it. You would think that I would be over that by now. But I still miss him. Too bad he doesn't miss me. That would certainly help me feel better.
I had some nesting feelings over the weekend. Very strange for me. I try to keep the house picked up, but am not the best housekeeper. So it was weird to think, hey these walls need to be scrubbed. Crazy. Never had that with the other two, but then every pregnancy is different. We will see how this one turns out.

Becky's blog

Since my last post many things have changed. I found out that John has some kind of illness that is potentially serious. He won't tell me what is going on. I am frustrated with that. He did not get Zane on his weekend, then he didn't get him on the substitute weekend. I am frustrated with his lack of caring about spending time with Zane. At the same time I hope he is okay.
My unpacking party was cancelled because he didn't get Zane. Two people came anyway and all the kitchen boxes got unpacked. I was so relieved. I don't really care about the rest of the boxes, I can do them a little at a time. But I do need to get the bathroom boxes unpacked.
I am now 35 weeks pregnant and dilated to almost 1 cm. That is just the beginning, but I feel like the baby will be here soon. I finally packed my hospital bag and have it in the car and ready to go. The crib is built and crib mattress in and the bed is made. Now I have to get the bassinet set up and the car seat in the car. Then the baby can arrive. I feel a little more prepared. Now is the hard part--waiting, even harder because I am doing it alone.
John's family has met Mary and are totally accepting of her. I guess that is the end of that. I will never get to do family things with them again. Very hard for me.
I have a sinus thing going and feel pretty horrible. I am going to try to go home and sleep some this afternoon. Hope that helps. I still plan to go to water aerobics, just hope I don't get too tired. I can always quit early.

Asking for help

Asking for help is not always easy for me, I tend to get the I can do it all attitude. It is worse if I ask for help and it doesn't come right away. I guess I wait so long to ask for help, that I am ready for it immediately. This week I broke down and asked all my friends and former co-workers for help unpacking all the boxes I have moved. I haven't had too many positive responses so far, so on Saturday I will probably be unpacking the boxes rather than sitting with my feet up as planned.
I gave John a whole bunch of stuff last night. He was gripy about it, until I said I could have thrown it all away and the least he could say was thank you. He finally, at the urging of his mom, said thanks and sounded appreciative. Then he started talking about all the stuff he doesn't have. I was a little upset. He has been gone for almost 6 months and he acts like he had one day to get it all. I did tell him to come and get all his stuff one day in November, but he knows he could have come back at anytime to pick up more stuff. I have been very generous about giving him things, at least I thought I was. John seemed really down last night but of course wouldn't share why. That is one thing I miss, being able to just talk to him. Even when he was griping about this or that, I felt like I could show him I cared by listening. I guess I was wrong. His mom was with him again last night, it is almost like he can't get Zane alone. Maybe it is just the bringing him back part and having to see me he doesn't want to do alone. It is a little frustrating to think that he can't spend any time with just Zane.
I am looking forward to the weekend so I can sleep in a little. I really have to get the boxes organized and some of them unpacked, but I can rest in between. I am feeling very exhausted and just flat worn down. I need to regain some energy before the baby's arrival. I hope that some of my friends follow through on their promises to help. I have learned that saying, "if I can do anything to help, let me know" really means, I don't know how to help you so I am just going to say some words. For a lot of people they don't really mean them. I will just have to wait until Saturday to see how much help I get.