What is it about me? Have you ever had one of those moments in which you felt that all the things you were doing were wrong and needed to change? Then when you do something about it, you find out you did the wrong thing. The voice that said don't do it, was the voice to listen to, but you listened to the do it voice instead. I have those moments all the time. What is it about me that makes me listen to the wrong voice?

All the time John and I were seperated I desperately wanted to talk to him, just talk things through. He would never answer and I would get mad and things would go downhill from there. The sane voice would say don't call, but the crazy voice would say call and say...blah, blah. I always called. I am sure he thought I was insane, and the ex from hell. In reality if he had just talked to me it would have been better, but then again I didn't have to call either. I just was driven to do it.

Recently Cayla has been sick. She threw up all night Friday night and then has had diarrhea. On Friday, I had a friend over to watch movies. We were supposed to have gone out, but had to stay in because of the baby. I have tried very hard to keep the kids seperate from any "dates" I have had. This time I couldn't do that. So the guy ended up meeting Cayla. He held her and played with her and was over all very sweet to her. It made me realize that she needs a dad. I can't just date or hang out or whatever with random people all the time. I have to put the kids first. So I thought about the guy who was over and another I have been corresponding with.

The guy who was over and I were keeping thing emotionally detached and being friends. Having the baby with us changed that dynamic, so I don't think I will hear from him again. And if I did I would have to tell him I can't just hang out. The other guy and I have never met, only "spoken" on line. He seems to be a great guy and one I would love to meet and date. But after feeling so bad seeing Cayla with the other guy, I made one of my don't do it decisions. I emailed him and said I could not correpond anymore. I tried to explain but think I did a bad job of it. He has not said a single thing to me since. It kind of hurts me that he didn't even think enough of me to respond. He just disappeared off the face of the "planet." And what is worse is that if I had just talked to him before making a rash decision, we might have worked on a solution. But once again listening to the voice was bad. I can't undo what is done. I just have to live with the regret.

So which inner voice do you listen to, the good or the bad? And what is it about me that makes me choose the wrong one? I guess that is the question of the ages my friends.