A little bit crazy

Stress can really get a person down. This week I experienced about a 24 hour period where I was so stressed I considered giving up the baby. I just don't want to have this child and not have her father in my life. He finally admitted that things are serious with Mary. That really hurt. Mainly because I love him. I also don't understand how things can be serious in such a short time. I mean he swears nothing happened before the end of October when we were "together" for the last time. So that means in 4 months things are serious between them. He also swears that he stopped having feelings for me long ago. How nice for him to wait to tell me until after he has another woman. I also wish that he could have waited to be involved until after the baby was born and the divorce is final. When I said to him that I didn't want to raise the baby, he said so what are you going to do give it up for adoption. I can't believe he is so callous about it all. I know one day it will come back to haunt him. That day can't come soon enough for me.
I am really not sure how to be a single mom. I don't want to screw things up. I also hate the fact that I am going to be alone. Yes, I have lots of friends and family to help, but that doesn't equal an everyday companion. I think I would be okay, I am just not sure how to be okay and have kids. When I got divorced the first time I partied a lot and that took away lots of the pain of not having a companion. Didn't solve anything, but was a temporary fix. I am frankly scared to be alone for the rest of my life. Yet, I don't want to find someone new, don't want the hurt of a break up. So I will just have to deal.
I am a care taker at heart so it is hard for me to see John making all these mistakes. I want what's best for him, and really don't think a life of sin is the answer. But I have to let go and let God. I am not good at that.
The kids and I have started staying in the new house. All the furniture was delivered this week. I still have lots of packing to do and cleaning at the old house. Then I have to unpack at the new house. Ugg. Here again I wish I wasn't doing it alone. I am just not good at alone. I am finding that I just have to cope the best I can and hope for the best.
John skipped visitation last weekend. He has taken the entire week off from work and I don't know where he is. I guess he will skip tonight's visitation too. As stressed and "crazy" as I have been lately, I have never abandoned my duties. That is one point in my favor. I heard a song the other night that fit my feelings well. It said I am not crazy just a little unwell. That is me, "a little unwell." Another song I like says, "I might be a little bit crazy, but it keeps me from going insane." So maybe going off the deep end once or twice is okay as long as I swim back to the top.

Bigger than average

The baby is bigger than average and is causing me lots of pain. I had to go to the hospital on Monday to be monitored for contractions. Of course the nurse said there was nothing going on, but boy was I in pain. I really haven't felt well the rest of the week. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and a sonogram. The sonogram showed the baby to be 4lbs and 1 oz and about 15 inches long. The doctor thinks that is causing my pain. She is just bigger than normal. Of course Amanda was 8 lbs 9 oz. So I guess I just have big girls. It is hard for me to pack and be in pain at the same time. Plus I think I have sinus stuff going on. Maybe because it has been 80 degrees all week and now it is 30. John is not getting Zane this weekend, so I will have to pack around him. Not fun. I miss John a lot, but I am frustrated with him at the same time. I just wish we could spend some time together and see how things would be. For the kids if nothing else. I had a talk with his "friend" Mary this week. She admitted that they are dating and that she feels guilty. Oh how I wish she would back off from him and let me have a chance. But if wishes were money I would be rich. I just have to resign myself to the fact that it is over. I hate the thought of being alone forever. I guess that is God's plan for me though.

Becky's blog

I went to Dallas baby shopping this weekend. Wait that sounds like I was shopping for a baby. I was shopping for baby stuff. My main goal was to get a changing table, we didn't have one for Zane. I also wanted to look at crib bedding and cribs. My friend Melissa went with me and we stayed at Julie's house. Julie and one of her friends joined us for shopping. We went first to Grapevine Mills mall and found a crib we all liked, but they didn't have it in stock. So off we went to Ikea. Ikea is a huge monster store with lots of modern furniture and wares. We were there about 3 hours. Melissa got a really cool tv stand, but I didn't buy anything baby related. Then we went to a Toys R Us and then a baby depot. At the baby depot we found a crib and changing table combo. It was less expensive than the seperate crib and changing table, so we got it. They had 6 in stock, but as we were checking out someone else was getting one. The crib converts all the way to a full size bed and the changing table becomes a night stand. Pretty cool. We also bought the bedding, it has a little bee on it so we can call Becca--B. I am way more excited about the baby now. I can't wait to move to the new house and get all set. Just a few more weeks and the baby will be here. Uggg--I have lots to do.

Becky's blog

I haven't spoken to John since Sunday afternoon. He didn't even call about the doctor's appt. I am just going to have to face reality and know he doesn't care. I sometimes wish I could just have my memories wiped clean so I wouldn't have to think about what all has happened. I guess he has managed to do that somehow. Having a new woman helps I am sure. I just want him to admit that is what is going on. If he would just admit it, I could have closure for sure. But for now I guess I will just have to know in my heart. I just hurt so for the baby. She is getting the raw end of the deal here. He is such a jerk for what he is doing to her. He won't even think about what she is going to think and feel. I have tried to email him a couple of times, but no response so I am going to give up altogether.

Becky's blog

John had Zane this weekend, first full weekend together. I had hoped they could spend some quality time together, but nooooo. Mary was there Friday night until after 9 pm. Then Zane said the three of them went to the park and the zoo. It makes me so mad that John thinks my crying and being upset is detrimental, but his hanging out with another woman isn't. I also think he tells Zane not to say anything. Zane will say yes something happened, then no. I hate that. I just want to know if he had fun and got to spend quality time with daddy. Now I have to worry about Becca getting really confused when she has to go to John's and there is a different woman there. I just wish John would admit what is going on. I also wish someone would let him know how wrong it is. But that is not ever going to happen. He wouldn't listen anyway.

Becky's blog

I have had this blog since October and never think to post. So starting today I will post at least once a week, or at least try to. I will be 30 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I can't believe there are only 10 weeks till my due date. I know I won't go the full 10 so this baby will be here before we know it. I feel sad for her, because her dad and I are divorcing. He isn't thrilled with the pregnancy and really doesn't want her. Not the way a baby should start life. I feel like I am responsible for bringing a new life into this world and worry that she won't feel loved. She weighs over 3 lbs already. I have a doctors appt. on Monday, he may not be happy about the weight. I will just have to see.