A little bit crazy

Stress can really get a person down. This week I experienced about a 24 hour period where I was so stressed I considered giving up the baby. I just don't want to have this child and not have her father in my life. He finally admitted that things are serious with Mary. That really hurt. Mainly because I love him. I also don't understand how things can be serious in such a short time. I mean he swears nothing happened before the end of October when we were "together" for the last time. So that means in 4 months things are serious between them. He also swears that he stopped having feelings for me long ago. How nice for him to wait to tell me until after he has another woman. I also wish that he could have waited to be involved until after the baby was born and the divorce is final. When I said to him that I didn't want to raise the baby, he said so what are you going to do give it up for adoption. I can't believe he is so callous about it all. I know one day it will come back to haunt him. That day can't come soon enough for me.
I am really not sure how to be a single mom. I don't want to screw things up. I also hate the fact that I am going to be alone. Yes, I have lots of friends and family to help, but that doesn't equal an everyday companion. I think I would be okay, I am just not sure how to be okay and have kids. When I got divorced the first time I partied a lot and that took away lots of the pain of not having a companion. Didn't solve anything, but was a temporary fix. I am frankly scared to be alone for the rest of my life. Yet, I don't want to find someone new, don't want the hurt of a break up. So I will just have to deal.
I am a care taker at heart so it is hard for me to see John making all these mistakes. I want what's best for him, and really don't think a life of sin is the answer. But I have to let go and let God. I am not good at that.
The kids and I have started staying in the new house. All the furniture was delivered this week. I still have lots of packing to do and cleaning at the old house. Then I have to unpack at the new house. Ugg. Here again I wish I wasn't doing it alone. I am just not good at alone. I am finding that I just have to cope the best I can and hope for the best.
John skipped visitation last weekend. He has taken the entire week off from work and I don't know where he is. I guess he will skip tonight's visitation too. As stressed and "crazy" as I have been lately, I have never abandoned my duties. That is one point in my favor. I heard a song the other night that fit my feelings well. It said I am not crazy just a little unwell. That is me, "a little unwell." Another song I like says, "I might be a little bit crazy, but it keeps me from going insane." So maybe going off the deep end once or twice is okay as long as I swim back to the top.