Seasonal Depression

Gloomy Skies=Gloomy Me

There are a few things that give me the blues. Dealing with John, sleep deprivation, and dark days. In the last week I have had to deal with all three. Not a good combination.

I was so excited to see my brother, sister in law and nieces for Christmas. I cooked a big meal on Christmas day and my friend Melissa and her parents came out to my dad's as well as Duane, Carolyn and the girls. It was stressful trying to get everything ready at the same time. But all in all it turned out okay. The problem was that I was a little stressed, more on that later. Then we started playing dominoes and played until 3:30 am. It was fun, but it was exhausting. Especially because Cayla didn't sleep well. So not much sleep that night. We stayed up till about midnight the rest of the time and the baby didn't sleep still. I love to play dominoes and stuff with the gang, we laugh and call names and have lots of trash talking going on. But the sleep deprivation is way bad for me.

On top of that the weather turned gloomy. Very dark and rainy. I love rain, if I can stay home in bed or on the couch all day. But I need sunlight. I used to tan and the light was great for my mood. But it killed the endometriosis, so I had to stop. Today at work I had all the lights on. It helped some, but not as much as natural sunlight would. I need a grow light-lol. I always get a little down at this time of year. This year is not nearly as bad as last year so I am on a roll.

John got Zane last weekend, but didn't get the baby. He agreed to bring Zane back between 5 and 6 on Christmas eve. Then he changed his mind and threw a fit. It was just like the old days dealing with irrational John. Reminded me a little of what I didn't like about the marriage. But it also upset me greatly. I really thought he wasn't going to bring Zane back. Thankfully he did bring him back and it all turned out okay. I think a lot of it had to do with Mary being with him. It made him nervous or something. He picked Zane up again today and brought him home again. He stayed for about an hour and played with the baby. He fed her and changed her and hugged her and watched her play. No problems between us at all. No Mary either, so it really does make a difference. At least I got through today.

I have also been a little sad wondering if I would ever find that all so elusive happiness with a mate. Not sure I am going to be able to maintain any kind of relationship. Not sure about my attractiveness to others. I know I am a good person, just not sure I am beautiful enough. I guess for the right person I will be. They will see through the flaws to the real beautiful me. I just have to stop screwing up. I am not good at waiting so I make up endings and usually get them wrong. That is what I did with the guy I dated a few times. Just read things wrong and made a bad decision. Now I have to live with it. But I will survive.

I tend to push people away then expect them to not go. I guess part of me is really crazy. I have just not been feeling great about me lately. Need to make some positive changes.

The sun will come out tomorrow. Both in the real world and in my mind. I will be okay. I just have to remember that I am worthy and stop thinking I am not. I need to remember God is ultimately in control. He provides all the sunshine I need, I just have to blow the clouds away.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow your only a day away. The sun will come out tomorrow, tomorrow. etc.

In the meantime I destroyed a potentially good thing, and lost a great friend along with my perspective. Now I can only hope for the best. The right person for me will come along. And when he does, I will know it. He will love me in spite of me. He will be kind and caring and verbalize how he really feels. He will be all that I prayed for and more importantly all that I didn't.

Extra Extra Read All About It

John called today. He is back in Texas. Living about 90 miles away. I am not sure how long they will be there, but it will be interesting to see how that changes things. He already wants to see the kids this weekend. I think he is going to take them on Friday night or Saturday morn and bring them back Sunday night or Mon. morn. Santa is coming to our house here. John was fine with that request.

I am not sure how I feel about him being back. Part of me wishes he would just drop off the face of the Earth. Part of me is afraid the kids will love him (and her) more than me. Part of me is afraid that seeing him will dredge up old memories. This should be an interesting weekend.

In other news, I have had a couple of more dates. All with the same guy. He is super sweet and really fun to hang out with. Right now neither one of us wants to push things, so we are just having fun. I think that both of us want to go really slowly to protect ourselves and each other from hurt. The most frustrating thing for me is that I seem to do all the pursuing. And I have discovered John spoiled me. He would always say you look hot, beautiful, sexy etc. He was very verbal and demonstrative in showing me how he felt. The new guy not so much. I am constantly having to second guess things. I guess that is how it is in the real world.

I have recently discovered that I am impatient and a read the last page first kind of girl. Okay you can all stop laughing now. I really didn't know the extreme to which that went. Somebody should have taught me patience as a virtue long ago. I really like to know the end of the story. It is not so much that I want to control others. I just want to feel in control of me. So my prayer for the next year is that I learn to be patient and let life take its course. Right now, give me patience right now--lol.

Merry Christmas to one and all. I pray that God will richly bless you each and every one.

Becky

The more things change...

There is an old saying that the more things change the more they stay the same. I find that to be true a lot. But this weekend, I put it to the test.

I had a date. So now you are thinking wait that should have been the headline. But really it was not about the date as much as the fact that I did it. I met someone and had a date. I wasn't sure if I would be able to, but I did and I had fun.

I found that dating is much the same as it used to be. Still the nervousness, the thought of what will we do now, is he interested or just being polite. The list goes on. It is also the same variety of what to do and say. Should you eat out or see a movie or bowl or???

The big difference was this was a person I met online. We chatted on line for hours--literally hours. Then he asked if I would like to meet somewhere. So being the crazy daredevil we all know I am not, I met him. Very strange. The nice thing was we still talked a lot and talked again after the date.

So it was all new, but was like falling off a horse and getting back up again. Except I had a horse run away with me once and now I don't trust them. Great to look at but I hate to ride. So this really was a big thing for me. And it turned out to be a great move.

I don't know if we will see each other again or if we will talk again, I hope we do, but I am not worried about it. The main thing for me was testing the waters. Plus I had really prayed about dating and had told God that if he wanted me to date the man would have to contact me, he did and so I felt it was a God thing.

The funniest part of the whole thing was that I spoke to John today and he acted like me dating was not a good thing. He is worried that someone will replace him. He tried to play it off like I don't want him to date but I can. When the reality is he is living with the person he left me for and I have had one date. Very funny.

He will be in for Christmas, so I think I will fly away to a spa somewhere and be pampered. Or go to Vegas and see a show and put a quarter in the slot machine. You never know what that wild and crazy side will come up with.

So dating has changed in that it was a new person, but the rules still apply.

So the more things stay the same, the more they change. That is my new philosophy. Now I am going to email me new guy friend, not the one I dated and ask his opinion on the whole date thing.

Happy Holidays to Everyone