I just can't believe..

I can't believe Amanda is turning 14 tomorrow. I should still be 16 and a kid and here I have a child almost that age. It is so hard to deal with. I feel so old.

I can't believe it has been a year since John told me he just didn't want to work it out. Somedays I still miss him and wish things had been different. But I want him to be happy. That is why I had told him to just be with Mary. I so regret that, but I guess God has a plan.

I can't believe that Cayla will be 7 months old this week. Man time flies. She is still so sweet and I want to keep her a baby forever. But I also know that I want her to grow and have a good life. Before I know it she will be turning 14.

I can't believe that I am thinking about dating. I am still not sure about it. But I don't have to worry too much... no prospects. I did christiansingles and yahoo personals. No one has responded looking for me. I guess God just doesn't have that in my immediate future. Sometimes I think, I had a good husband and blew it so why look for anyone else. Yes I know he contributed, but I really did start the ball rolling.

I can't believe it is almost November. I am going to work really hard at being happy during the holidays. I am much happier than I was a few months ago. I don't think I will ever get over the hurt of losing John, but I am moving on with life.

I am going to work on patience this year. Waiting is not my strong suit, but I am working on it. Just have to remember that all things can't happen--right now.

Update long time in coming

Can't believe it has been so long since I last blogged here. Cayla's blog is much more current. But since this is my random thought page I guess I should post here too.

Cayla's surgery went great and she is doing very well. I am so pleased and grateful for the progess. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

John did not come for surgery. He "respected my wishes" and avoided confrontation at the same time. I guess he truly just doesn't want me to be part of his life. Kinda hard when we share kids. We have spoken a couple of times and it was fine, but then it goes right back to bad again. I get upset and people think I am crazy or still stuck on him. More like I just want to be treated with respect and be told the truth.

Mary--his girlfriend--called me yesterday. Upset because I called her a whore. Okay I was wrong to call her a whore, but she had no call to cuss me out and make me so upset. I would have just blown off the comment and gone on, but for some reason she had to call and start yelling at me. Very upsetting for me. I really hate John and Mary now. Even more than I did when Cayla had trouble after surgery. I have tried to forgive and forget, but I can't so I will just go on. Hopefully before I die I will find forgiveness for them.

I am not going to contact him anymore and will not allow contact between he and the kids until they ask to have it. I know that will probably come back to haunt me, but for now it is for the best. Should he ever be in town on his court ordered day to visit, I will have to allow a visit. But I don't have to go out of my way to let him know how things are going. Mary says I am holding the kids over him. I told her I am not keeping the kids from him, he did that by moving to New York. She said he loves the kids. But I say a man who loves his kids doesn't abandon them. She also said he hates me and loves her. Well that is all well and good, he said he loved me once too.

I think I am ready to date, but I can't imagine kissing or having sex with someone new. Boy is it a scary world. I went to the club last night and it was horrible. I hated it. I made myself stay for an hour and a half. No one even looked at me twice, just don't have it anymore I guess. It just reinforced for me that I am more than likely going to be alone forever. At least I have the kids, but when they get older they will probably want to be with John and then I will be totally alone. Oh well. If that is the life God intends for me to have, that is the life I will have.

I am praying to meet a great guy. But God is going to have to literally hit me in the head and say there he is. I have a profile on my space, but really don't think anything will come of it. I need to meet someone in person and have them be totally awesome before I will go out with them. I prayed about it the other night, but the prayer sounded just like John. The sad thing is Mary said she has what she wanted her whole life, and it is what I wanted too. She stole from me. He stole from me. Okay okay enough with them.

I like my job. The days go fast. I am glad for that. I was worried about it.

Well gotta run, Cayla is napping on my bed and starting to stir. I need to get she and the other two down for the night. I am tired today. Staying out until midnight is not my thing!! Too old I guess.