The waiting game

Life is life this week. We are in the waiting game right now. Waiting for Cayla's neurosurgeon appt. next Monday and waiting for the divorce to be final next Tuesday. Waiting for a job, waiting for the next thing. Just waiting.

Cayla seems to have some hearing loss which I am concerned about. She doesn't turn her head when I snap or clap my hands. She doesn't even startle if you clap behind her head. She did startle at some noises yesterday so that relieved me a little. I am concerned that her skull may be putting pressure on her brain. I took her to the pediatrician, but she said just to watch for lethargy, vomiting or more fussiness than usual. So far none of that has happened.

John will probably not come even if Cayla has surgery and right now I am okay with that. He has a life now that doesn't include us. We have a life without him. That is just the way it goes. I just absolutely do not want Mary there if John did come for surgery. I have forginven them both for what they did, and have forgiven myself for what I did. I just don't feel she has a place in Cayla's life right now. I am sure I am worried about that for nothing.

Last week I felt very much like I wasn't meant to be a mom. Just lots of pressure. I got to spend some time with really good friends just being a grown up with no kids around and man that really helped. Just time to be me and not a mom. I feel much better this week. I think everyone needs some time away though, it doesn't make me a bad mom to want a break. A bad mom would just keep going without a break and would then have a break down.

We are having vbs at church this week so I will be very busy. Amanda is off at camp. When she comes home she will have time to do laundry and then is off again. She is visiting her gramma Carol in California or GC as we call her. I am not sure which one of them is more excited. I am so glad she has this opportunity. I hope it helps her get a grip on teenage life.