I got a job, I got a job, I got a job. I am so excited. I was offered a job with the state. It is an administrative assistant position but I will also do training. I am so relieved. My current job was ending soon and I was getting worried. I finally see the light at the end of a long tunnel. It was on this date one year ago that John left for San Antonio for a conference and in some ways he never returned. Mary was with him and I think the foundation for their relationship was laid then.

So now I am going to be standing on my own two feet for the first time ever. It feels good but I am sad to be leaving the university where I work. I have been here 7 years. But the time has come for me to move on. At least at the new job I won't have memories of John at every turn. He was here with me for 3 years and I have lots of memories of him around campus.

God is so good. He has a plan and we just have to be patient and wait for His timing. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. He has blessd me with a wonderful opportunity and I know He will be with me through every step.

More Frustration

Let me start with Amanda. Amanda signed up to play athletic tennis because she didn't want to play a different sport like basketball (way to agressive for her). So last night I went to a tennis meeting where I was informed that she needs a $100 racquet and needs to take tennis lessons and that I had to put a lot of time into the sport so she will excel. TIME who has that, MONEY I certainly don't have that. Ugg. After the meeting I talked to the coach and he is going to assess her and may put her in regular pe tennins. She has never played competitively so I am betting she has to do that. If not I have to worry about 6 tournaments and challenge matches. The first tournament is Sept. 12. I will be in Lubbock so Melissa or dad will have to be responsible for that.

Now for Cayla she failed the hearing thing again so now we have to go back for more tests. I just don't know what to think about that. I worry and yet I can't do anything about it so why worry. I just hope surgery fixes that problem too. You can read more about that on her blog...wreathoflaurel.blogspot.com.

Zane is doing okay. But he is at that stage where he wants mommy's attention and will do anything to get it. Like pooping in his pants or biting me on the shoulder. I try to make sure we have our time at night after Cayla goes to bed, but it isn't always enough.

Now for the big frustration... John. Boy I bet no one saw that one coming. He got my letter asking him not to come but it was somehow confusing. I had said how much I need him to be there but because I don't need the stress I don't want him to come. He says he wants to come but won't know until the end of the month if he can. I say he ain't coming and he just doesn't want to admit it. I am just tired of taking his feelings into consideration. His mom even thinks I need to consider Mary's feelings. I say bull... They didn't think about me so why should I worry about them. So anyway, I told Carol that I would inform her when Zane's party is and they are welcome to come but otherwise I am through. I just can't do it anymore. It is too upsetting to me. Especially when we had set up times for the kids to go to her house so John could talk to them and then when we have to change it, it sounds like it was my fault. Plus I have to hear about how John would talk to me but can't because all we do is fight. So I am through talking to any of them. She actually said today so you want to do it all alone and I said what do you think I am doing. I already do it all alone. I feel like I should just go to surgery alone too. It is too stressful to worry about who is coming and where they will stay etc. How will Amanda get back for school and what will I do with Zane during surgery.

Okay enough venting. I am also frustrated because I still don't have a job so more uncertainty. One thing is for sure I am going to a mommy baby get together with people from my fit moms class tomorrow. It will be fun. I can't wait. Then the next thing to look forward to is undoing all the things I did last year. A little sad to see it all come down. But people are tired of it. So two things are certain the party and the work ahead. I guess that is better than death and taxes.

Frustration

Well I haven't posted in a while so I guess I need to re-think what to say. I am frustrated today with all the pressure of being a single mom. Life is just not fair sometimes. I don't think being single would be so hard if I wasn't dealing with a sick child. Zane was ill the whole week of my birthday and then I have been sick and of course dealing with Cayla. I think that my feelings have gotten lost in the shuffle somehow.

John and I spoke for a while the night before I took Cayla to Lubbock. But then after the Lubbock trip he would barely speak. I just don't want to deal with him anymore. He isn't sure he can come for surgery, and that frustrates me. I am left to deal with everything alone and that frustrates me. My house is a wreck and that frustrates me. I don't feel well and that frustrates me. You get the picture.

Then yesterday I got the return slip from a package I mailed to John. Mary had signed it. That was just the last straw. I can't even mail something to John without her being involved. They give no thought to how I might feel. So I have decided to ask John not to come for surgery. I don't think he really wants to be involved anyway, this way he can blame me for everything and then he doesn't have to feel guilty. And I don't have to be disappointed when he doesn't come, because I will have planned it that way.

Cayla's hearing screeing didn't go well. We have to go back next week. I hope that the result is better next time.

I had a job interview on the 28th, but haven't heard anything back. I am just glad to have interviewed. I don't think I asked enough questions though. That probably wasn't a good thing, didn't show interest or something. I will call later this week to see if they made a decision. In the meantime I am just doing what I can to stay sane.

I miss having a companion. Someone to share the responsibility and the burden. Someone to hold my hand and discuss things with me. I don't think God created me to be alone. But I have no intentions of looking for a companion. I am too afraid of being hurt and too afraid that the kids will be hurt. So in finding his own happiness, John ignored what it would mean to me. Just another example of my feelings being lost in the shuffle.

Well enough randomness for now. Must post a few things on Caylas blog.