Nearly 29

Tomorrow I will turn 29 (for the sixth time). I don't feel that old, so I am not worried about it. I just can't believe the changes in my life since my last birthday. I have another child, and no husband. Wow, what a difference a year makes. Last year I got a dozen roses from my husband. He now says he didn't love me for a long time before the split. Hmm, that was sure a funny way to show it.

John called over the weekend, but I missed the call. I am guessing he was missing the kids. It has been a month since they spoke. I did let them leave voice mail the other day so maybe that triggered it. We will see if he calls back.

Amanda is back from California. She slept until 3 yesterday. Today I left her sleeping again. She had a great time and her grandma misses her a ton. She spoket to her father while she was there. A ten minute conversation. We will see if he stays in touch. Apparently he is re-married so I think that could have sparked the interest. I just don't want Amanda hurt.

Not much to report this week. Watch Cayla's blog for Cayla updates. www.wreathoflaurel.blogspot.com.

Back from Lubbock

We made the trip to Lubbock and back with no problems. Dinah Gutting, our associate pastor's wife and a very good friend of ours, was gracious enough to go with me.

We left around 5:30 Sunday night and stopped in Post to eat. Then we made the trip to Lubbock. We went to Mark and Connie White's house first. It was so much fun to see them and Cayla loved being rocked by "grandma Connie." We left there around 10:30 and found a motel. A very nice and reasonalby priced Best Western was our home for the night. I didn't get much sleep as I was nervous about the upcoming visit.

The next morning we found the dr's office with no problem and arrived right on time. Amazingly we didn't have to wait long for him. They called me back about 5 minutes after we arrived and the doctor came in right away. He felt of Cayla's head and measured it, then asked some questions and said he confirmed the diagnosis. He then dictated a lettr to Dr. Faehnle and the maxiofacial doctor while I was still in the room. I really liked that. Then he discussed surgery with me.

Cayla will have an MRI and a 3-D cat scan sometime in the next two weeks. Then when she is six months old she will have surgery. They are going to take out her forehead and reconstruct it. They will also open up the fused suture. The surgeon made it sound very matter of fact. I liked that too. Just made me more at ease.

The following day, I appeared in court and finished the divorce. John signed off on everything so it was easy. Just very sad. Zane got a storybook on cd this week and one of the stories is about a king and a hawk. The king kills the hawk in a fit of madness and then realizes the hawk had been trying to be helpful. The moral of the story is not to do anything in anger that you will later regret. Boy do I wish I had heard that many months ago. But it is all over. The judge has to sign off on the papers and then it will be final. That will happen sometime in the next 30 days.

John has not called to check on Cayla. I just don't get him. But right now she is my focus.

Cayla vomited in the night. That is one of the signs I am watching for to determine increased cranial pressure. It was very disturbing. But I took her to the pediatrician and all was well. She did schedule a hearing screen for her, so on August 8 they will test her hearing. Then on the 14th she has her 4 month check up. I am not sure if I will know the hearing screen results before that or not. I hope that by then all the testing is done and we can just wait for October and surgery.

I will be starting a blog just for Cayla. Look for a link soon.

The waiting game

Life is life this week. We are in the waiting game right now. Waiting for Cayla's neurosurgeon appt. next Monday and waiting for the divorce to be final next Tuesday. Waiting for a job, waiting for the next thing. Just waiting.

Cayla seems to have some hearing loss which I am concerned about. She doesn't turn her head when I snap or clap my hands. She doesn't even startle if you clap behind her head. She did startle at some noises yesterday so that relieved me a little. I am concerned that her skull may be putting pressure on her brain. I took her to the pediatrician, but she said just to watch for lethargy, vomiting or more fussiness than usual. So far none of that has happened.

John will probably not come even if Cayla has surgery and right now I am okay with that. He has a life now that doesn't include us. We have a life without him. That is just the way it goes. I just absolutely do not want Mary there if John did come for surgery. I have forginven them both for what they did, and have forgiven myself for what I did. I just don't feel she has a place in Cayla's life right now. I am sure I am worried about that for nothing.

Last week I felt very much like I wasn't meant to be a mom. Just lots of pressure. I got to spend some time with really good friends just being a grown up with no kids around and man that really helped. Just time to be me and not a mom. I feel much better this week. I think everyone needs some time away though, it doesn't make me a bad mom to want a break. A bad mom would just keep going without a break and would then have a break down.

We are having vbs at church this week so I will be very busy. Amanda is off at camp. When she comes home she will have time to do laundry and then is off again. She is visiting her gramma Carol in California or GC as we call her. I am not sure which one of them is more excited. I am so glad she has this opportunity. I hope it helps her get a grip on teenage life.