Home again, Home again jiggedey jog

What a difference a year makes. A year ago I had just moved into a rent house and wasn't sure how to go it alone. This year I moved again, but into a house that I am buying. Cayla will be one in a few weeks, Amanda is going to Washington DC soon and Zane is as crazy as ever. John has been to New York and back, but is still not the dad he was. The more things change the more they stay the same I guess.

My mom always said, "home again, home again jiggedy jog" when we pulled into the driveway at home--even when I was grown. I am feeling a little sad that she will never get to say that at this house. But she is with me always in spirit. I am feeling very emotional today. I went to the old house to bring a load to the new house. I took my jewelry box out to the van and it promptly fell out of the door of the van. It shattered the glass door and broke the box itself. I cried over the dumb jewelry box. John bought it for me long ago and put lots of thought into it. It was the last thing I had that he gave me with any meaning to it. I felt so dumb for being upset about breaking it, but it was like the end of an era. Now I am crying because of the title of this post. Last weekend I bought Cayla a little ride on snail that plays You Are My Sunshine. I cried in the store because that reminded me of mom. All this moving is getting to me I guess.

I learned something from the experience though. I am the type of person that if someone close to me says, "I broke..." I will go to the store and buy them a new one. But today when the jewelry box broke I just went and got a new one for myself. I don't give people chances to do nice things for me. That makes it difficult for others. I also tend to listen to what people say and buy them little gifts to go along with their likes and dislikes. I am just too giving.

I did have a date this week. I met this person on line, and we chatted a lot. Then out of the blue on Wednesday he and I decided to see a movie on Thursday night. It was interesting to meet in person. He was very soft spoken and I am not used to that at all. It was a little awkward. He said he would like to take me to dinner sometime, but I am not sure he will. I will have to wait and see. In the mean time I have decided not to look for any other dates. I have met some people and we are friends, but as for dating that is not working so great. I have one guy I talk to often who lives in Amarillo. I am not sure that we will meet, but it is fun to imagine the possibility. I have another guy that started as a dating type relationship, but we have decided to be friends. He and I instantly meshed. We get along really well, but he drives me crazy with not calling when he says he will and with cancelling on me. We had a long discussion this week about being friends and I hope it works. Both of us enjoy spending time together and I think it will be good to have him as a friend.

Well last year, I was pregnant, freaking out over John and Mary, moving to town and feeling a little crazy. This year, I bought a house, can speak to John with not ill will, have a new job, have started dating, and I still feel a little crazy. I can't wait till this time next year to see how things have changed and how they remained the same. I have been really impressed with myself in how far I have come in the past year. It is nice to look back and see the positive. But believe me at the time no one could convince me it would be okay. I have to say that the Bible is right when it says all things work together for good. I shouldn't have doubted it.

What is it about me? Have you ever had one of those moments in which you felt that all the things you were doing were wrong and needed to change? Then when you do something about it, you find out you did the wrong thing. The voice that said don't do it, was the voice to listen to, but you listened to the do it voice instead. I have those moments all the time. What is it about me that makes me listen to the wrong voice?

All the time John and I were seperated I desperately wanted to talk to him, just talk things through. He would never answer and I would get mad and things would go downhill from there. The sane voice would say don't call, but the crazy voice would say call and say...blah, blah. I always called. I am sure he thought I was insane, and the ex from hell. In reality if he had just talked to me it would have been better, but then again I didn't have to call either. I just was driven to do it.

Recently Cayla has been sick. She threw up all night Friday night and then has had diarrhea. On Friday, I had a friend over to watch movies. We were supposed to have gone out, but had to stay in because of the baby. I have tried very hard to keep the kids seperate from any "dates" I have had. This time I couldn't do that. So the guy ended up meeting Cayla. He held her and played with her and was over all very sweet to her. It made me realize that she needs a dad. I can't just date or hang out or whatever with random people all the time. I have to put the kids first. So I thought about the guy who was over and another I have been corresponding with.

The guy who was over and I were keeping thing emotionally detached and being friends. Having the baby with us changed that dynamic, so I don't think I will hear from him again. And if I did I would have to tell him I can't just hang out. The other guy and I have never met, only "spoken" on line. He seems to be a great guy and one I would love to meet and date. But after feeling so bad seeing Cayla with the other guy, I made one of my don't do it decisions. I emailed him and said I could not correpond anymore. I tried to explain but think I did a bad job of it. He has not said a single thing to me since. It kind of hurts me that he didn't even think enough of me to respond. He just disappeared off the face of the "planet." And what is worse is that if I had just talked to him before making a rash decision, we might have worked on a solution. But once again listening to the voice was bad. I can't undo what is done. I just have to live with the regret.

So which inner voice do you listen to, the good or the bad? And what is it about me that makes me choose the wrong one? I guess that is the question of the ages my friends.