Our door is always open. Come on in for a nice visit.

This is the front of our new home. We are going to start moving some things next week. And then have a big moving party toward the middle of February. Be watching for your chance to win an exclusive moving day invite.

I will post other pics later, for now you can picutre us here.

Speed dating?


Abilene is starting a new thing. A counseling center here is sponsoring speed dating. I think it sounds a little intimidating and crazy. I considered signing up just to see what kinds of people go to those things, but then I thought wait I would be the kind of person who signs up for those things.

I have tried online dating and am not having much success. I tend to find fault with just about everyone or pick the wrong ones. Sometimes I think it is a case of self fulfilling prophecy. I don't think I will find love this way, so I do whatever to make sure I don't.

I have been corresponding with a person from a place about 4 hours away. He seems nice, but the reality is we will probably never meet. So he is safe. I met a man on eharmony who recently said he lives in a bachelor pad and will not relocate. Now I wouldn't mind relocating for the right person, but a one bedroom house isn't fit for a family. I am nor sure how that one will turn out. Another guy seems to like me but doesn't ever want to go out. Another doesn't have a car. And the list goes on.

I am giving up the online personals. Will keep my space. And hey who knows I might try speed dating. 10 dates in one evening....hmm sounds intriguing.

Taking a Big Step

I am taking a huge step. Really really big one. The biggest ever. What is she talking about you say, hurry and tell us you say......hmm, la, la...

Okay here it is. I am buying a house. Yep, me all by my lonesome. I am so excited. I can't wait to have all the paperwork done and hold the keys in my hand. The bank has already approved the loan. The contract is written and waiting for the seller to sign. Then we just have to wait on closing.

The bad thing is that it is $7,000 above what I wanted to pay and I have to pay closing costs. But it is 1700 sq. ft. and a great house. 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 living areas, with a bonus room in the front of the house that can be an office or another bedroom. It has wood floors in the main living and dining room, tiled laundry room and bathrooms, berber carpet in the bedrooms and tile in the back living area. They have done a lot of work to it, so it looks like new. The only thing I really don't like is the kitchen cabinets are dark wood and the counter tops are green marble. I had green in the barn and had just changed to blue. It is a nice green though so I can deal with it.

Moving should be easy, because it is just the 3rd house down from mine. I plan to have a moving party where we line the sidewalk and do an assembly line move. Except for the big furniture of course. I have already enlisted help with the move. Have to be out of my house by Feb. 28. So I plan to start moving in the next couple of weeks and then have time to clean the carpets here etc.

Have to buy a refrigerator. Will probably get a used one. I priced them this week and it is over $1,000 for a new side by side with water and ice in the door. Dad and John got the refrigerator for the barn at an auction for like $200.

I will try to post pics later and will keep everyone posted.

It is freezing cold here and we had lots of ice over the weekend. I am looking forward to warmer weather. The cold isn't so bad but I don't like being housebound especially with the kids. Zane needs to run, and run. So he was ready to go back to daycare after a 3 day weekend. Plus he had the flu 2 weeks ago and missed a whole week. He is tired of being cooped up, and I totally agree.

An issue of trust

I am doing much better since my last post. Really only had one day during which I was depressed. A major improvement from this time last year. A friend of mine told me to basically get over it and go on living. That we can choose how we live etc. Really made me think. Another person assured me that I am not as horribly ugly as I seem to think--that helped too.

I have done some reflecting since the new year. I have decided that I am a giver personality type, deep down seeking another giver. The problem is that I usually don't seek givers but some other variety of personality type. Maybe that is why it doesn't work. Being a giver means I give and give and don't take anything in return. That can be very detrimental. I have to start taking time for me. So on our bonus holiday last week, I sent the kids away and took a long bath, read a lot and tried to regroup. It helped. Then Zane came home with the flu and the landlord decided to sell our house. Not a great rest of the week. But I dealt with it rather well.

So as I have been reflecting on my life and my needs etc. I have discovered that I have a problem with trust. Not sure how far back it goes. But I just can't trust people. I think it might have something to do with being date raped at 14. I trusted the wrong people to take care of me then. After that trauma, I think I equated sexual interest with love. I know that Amanda's dad didn't help with that. He was very worldly and I was naive. We slept together and then I thought we had to get married. He continuously let me down. Cheated on me, spent money we didn't have etc. And blamed me for it all. The bad thing was I believed him. After our divorce I spend a year being very wild and sexually active. I can't believe some of the things I did. But I was seeking acceptance in the wrong way. I desired to know I was desirable. Especially after he told me that I was the kind of girl you marry and those other people are the kind you sleep with. I want to be both.

Then I met John and fell hard. I also committed my life to being a Christian when he and I had been dating for about 6 months. He did the same shortly thereafter. We broke up a few times in the 3 years we had been dating and then I told him we needed to make a committment or break up. He proposed. I thought he really wanted to be with me forever. The funny thing is that with two kids, our lives are going to be tied together for the rest of our lives. I guess while we were together I never quite trusted him to take care of us. Never gave him the chance to be all he wanted. I expected him to treat me like Tim had and he did. I don't mean to say it was my fault, but I can see where I went wrong. He never really gave me a reason not to trust him, but I never let him be the man, in control.

Because of my trust issues, I feel like I have to take care of me. That means being in control. I haven't even really been trusting God to take care of everything. Oh I pray and say I am letting go, but then I pick it all up again. I also tend to sabotage potential relationships. I have said some things knowing it would turn the other person away. I also tried too hard to be the perfect person, but didn't trust me or the other person enough to let it work.

So now I am really just letting things happen day to day. If God wants me to find a person, He will, and if not He will show me how to be alone. I am not going to worry about it. I am also going to learn to trust others. I will be cautious, but will give them the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions.

In the midst of all these revelations, I am also trusting God to show me the right house to buy. I made an offer on one and we are waiting on the loan to go through, but there is another house I need to look at. In the meantime, the house I am living in is up for sale and I hope to move out by Feb. 1. That is a whole lot of trusting.

Well better run. Happy New Year to All. May this be the year you get all the blessings you hope for and more.