Change, change, change. Wow. Lots of stuff has happened since I last posted here. Not sure where to start....hmmm... I guess I will start with my hysterectomy. I had a hysterectomy in Sept. Feel much better but still get tired and drained. I think it really helped with all the pain I was having...so YEA... I took off 6 weeks from work, well really I took off two and then worked from home the other 4.

Next...John. John and I have been talking to each other a lot lately and are trying to be friends. Things have been going well until today. Today he was tired, and I was upset and I vented to him...he got mad and now I don't know what will happen there. Had hoped we could work things out and reconcile, but now not so sure. He started a new job and after one night at the zoo he hates it and wants to run away again. Must really pray for him.

Family...my uncle died suddenly on Nov. 4. It has been really hard on my dad. Very sad. Hard to deal with the holidays. Amanda moved to Arkansas to live with her dad. She seems to like it, and truthfully it is less stressful on me. I do miss her and wish things were different...but for now I think this is for the best.

Work is good. Still like my job. Cayla and Zane are good. Zane wants everything he sees for Christmas and Cayla is pretty moody. Of course she has been sick for weeks now with sinus stuff so I am sure that doesn't help.

Well I think that is all the news that is news. Will try to update more often but don't hold your breath. God bless you all.

Remember: Jesus is the reason for the season.

Giving up on a dream. For the longest time, I have wanted to wish away the past 2 years of hurt. I wanted John to come back and make everything right again. Even when he was in New York with his girlfriend, I wanted him to come back and start over. In April when they broke up, I thought I might have a chance to see my dream come true. I read a book about a marriage hurt by infidelity and how it was ultimately reconcilled--I thought that was a sign. I have been waiting on God to answer my prayer my way. But God has his own plans.

Today I got to go into the worship service at Church. I haven't been in a long time. Because I am always in the nursery or with the children. But today, I got to go. And God spoke to me through a song. He wants me to give up the hurt I am holding inside and the dream. He wants to be in control. So tonight I told John I no longer wanted him in my life at all. I cannot be his friend when I love him and regret the ways I failed as a wife. I cannot hold on to that dream. So I let it go.

God will eventually bless John with all he desires. One day the right person will come into his life and he will once again wed. I prayed over John today and I begged John to allow God back in. I know that he was moved by what I said, but I don't know how long it will take him to realize that he has to go back to God.

God has blessed me with children and a good job and a number of great friends. That is all I need. I feel that I am not called to be a wife. Eventually God will show me His plan and I will see that is is better than my dream. Until then I will slowly heal.

May all of you see God make your dreams come true.

Wow how time does fly. I can't believe I haven't written anything here in so long. So now where do I start. Hmm. Have had a few dates. Including one with John on what would have been our 6 year wedding anniversary. It went well. But since then we have had our share of problems. Mainly that he won't take time to talk to me. He met a girl and drove to Dallas to see her, but can't talk to me. It frustrates me. I told him that today. I told him I didn't even want to be friends, but that never lasts long. Today I had lunch with him, my dad and the kids. Interesting. I promise to keep you posted. My other dates have been with Eric. I met him on Myspace a long time ago and we met in person in April. He is fun and funny, but I really don't see a future there. We have decided to be friends and hang out. It works well for me. He and I have had dinner and gone to movies and he pays!! We have gone to see the Texas Rangers play a couple of times. It is fun. But I wish they won more. He wants a companion and so do I, so for now it is good. I promise to let you know if anything changes.

Now for the big news. I am having a hysterectomy in Sept. Have had endometriosis for a long time. 3 laproscopic surgeries, two babies and a round of lupron shots haven't made it go away. So the last step is the surgery. I am hoping for lots of help because I won't be able to lift etc. I am praying for a quick recovery because I don't have time to take off work. I will get some comp time between now and then. But not 6 or 8 weeks worth.

Well not much else is happening. I will try to post more regularly. In the meantime, God Bless you all.

Time is ever changing, ever moving. Life is ever changing, ever moving. It is funny how time affects life. A year ago I was mourning John's departure for New York. Mourning the loss of my husband and my friend. I didn't know how to go on. But somehow I made it through. I tried to run from God but couldn't hide. A ton of people prayed for me. I couldn't have done it without those prayers.

I prayed for God to restore my marriage, then I prayed for John's happiness, then I prayed for peace. I finally prayed God do what you want to do, You are in control anyway. Last September, after Cayla's surgery, I decided to date again. It has been slow going, and I haven't had much success. I prayed that God would provide a companion if that was His will. Then I decided it wasn't His will because I wasn't having success. I have dated two men. They both decided we should just be friends. So I have new friends. I also have two other men friends, but we started that way and will continue that way.

So what have time and life done this week? After a year (living together full time) John and Mary have split up. He and I can now be friends. We have actually had dinner, lunch and long talks. Time did march on and so did we. We still love each other and always will--but can't "love each other together" as John said. We can't be together. But we can be friendly. Life goes on. I do wonder though if God isn't answering prayers after a long time. Time will tell how it all is resolved. I can only guarantee it will be to His glory and His will.

A year after living with horrible depression--I am happy. I am living. I am doing well. Thank you God that life and time do go on. Thank you for being in control.

I have been in real need of a vacation lately. Moving into the house was great, but stressful and my kids have been sick a lot since January. So I decided to ask a friend and go on a vacation. I let my friend choose the destination and decided that no matter what it would be fun. My friend happens to be male so of course he picked Baseball and Nascar. I wasn't sure about those things in the beginning. But by the end of the trip--I loved both.

Okay I just have to say that Nascar is so cool. I am totally a huge fan now. There will be those of you who disagree and that is fine--but until you have been there and felt and heard the rumble of those engines when they first start you haven't seen Nascar.

My friend and I flew to Atlanta, GA then drove to Orlando, Fl to see the Braves play. I loved the baseball game. I had forgotten how much fun baseball is up close and personal. I really got into it. I am a little competitive so I was yelling and cheering. Very funny. My friend was surprised. Now I am ready for the season to begin. Plan to go to a few games this year.
After the game, we spent the night in Orlando and then drove back to Atlanta the next day. We did stop in Daytona Beach along the way. Toured the Daytona International Speedway track. Then went to the beach. Yes my male friend was ogling the bikini clad women. I would say oh look at that one and he would look and of course it was an old or large woman. Very funny. The beach was great. I love to be at the beach there is nothing as soothing as the sound of the ocean. After that little adventure we headed to Atlanta and got in at midnight. Tired doesn't begin to describe how I felt. It was a good thing this guy was just a friend, because I didn't look my best on the trip. My hair needed help and I didn't wear makeup.

The next day my brother and sister-in-law and my friend and I went to the Nascar race at Atlanta Motor Speedway. It was so much fun. I learned to pick one driver and follow his progress. That helped. Plus we rented headsets so we could listen to the drivers and their pit crew and to the radio station. I really learned a lot from that. I loved watching the cars race side by side. It was loud and crazy. The most fun I have had in a long time. I hope to go to the race in Dallas on April 15. Just hate to go by myself--but such is life.

The downside--well my friend hasn't called so that makes me a little sad. We had a great time, but now he is totally ignoring me. We are just friends but it is still sad. Other than that--no downside. It was great. And I needed it. So if you ask me Nascar rocks.

Home again, Home again jiggedey jog

What a difference a year makes. A year ago I had just moved into a rent house and wasn't sure how to go it alone. This year I moved again, but into a house that I am buying. Cayla will be one in a few weeks, Amanda is going to Washington DC soon and Zane is as crazy as ever. John has been to New York and back, but is still not the dad he was. The more things change the more they stay the same I guess.

My mom always said, "home again, home again jiggedy jog" when we pulled into the driveway at home--even when I was grown. I am feeling a little sad that she will never get to say that at this house. But she is with me always in spirit. I am feeling very emotional today. I went to the old house to bring a load to the new house. I took my jewelry box out to the van and it promptly fell out of the door of the van. It shattered the glass door and broke the box itself. I cried over the dumb jewelry box. John bought it for me long ago and put lots of thought into it. It was the last thing I had that he gave me with any meaning to it. I felt so dumb for being upset about breaking it, but it was like the end of an era. Now I am crying because of the title of this post. Last weekend I bought Cayla a little ride on snail that plays You Are My Sunshine. I cried in the store because that reminded me of mom. All this moving is getting to me I guess.

I learned something from the experience though. I am the type of person that if someone close to me says, "I broke..." I will go to the store and buy them a new one. But today when the jewelry box broke I just went and got a new one for myself. I don't give people chances to do nice things for me. That makes it difficult for others. I also tend to listen to what people say and buy them little gifts to go along with their likes and dislikes. I am just too giving.

I did have a date this week. I met this person on line, and we chatted a lot. Then out of the blue on Wednesday he and I decided to see a movie on Thursday night. It was interesting to meet in person. He was very soft spoken and I am not used to that at all. It was a little awkward. He said he would like to take me to dinner sometime, but I am not sure he will. I will have to wait and see. In the mean time I have decided not to look for any other dates. I have met some people and we are friends, but as for dating that is not working so great. I have one guy I talk to often who lives in Amarillo. I am not sure that we will meet, but it is fun to imagine the possibility. I have another guy that started as a dating type relationship, but we have decided to be friends. He and I instantly meshed. We get along really well, but he drives me crazy with not calling when he says he will and with cancelling on me. We had a long discussion this week about being friends and I hope it works. Both of us enjoy spending time together and I think it will be good to have him as a friend.

Well last year, I was pregnant, freaking out over John and Mary, moving to town and feeling a little crazy. This year, I bought a house, can speak to John with not ill will, have a new job, have started dating, and I still feel a little crazy. I can't wait till this time next year to see how things have changed and how they remained the same. I have been really impressed with myself in how far I have come in the past year. It is nice to look back and see the positive. But believe me at the time no one could convince me it would be okay. I have to say that the Bible is right when it says all things work together for good. I shouldn't have doubted it.

What is it about me? Have you ever had one of those moments in which you felt that all the things you were doing were wrong and needed to change? Then when you do something about it, you find out you did the wrong thing. The voice that said don't do it, was the voice to listen to, but you listened to the do it voice instead. I have those moments all the time. What is it about me that makes me listen to the wrong voice?

All the time John and I were seperated I desperately wanted to talk to him, just talk things through. He would never answer and I would get mad and things would go downhill from there. The sane voice would say don't call, but the crazy voice would say call and say...blah, blah. I always called. I am sure he thought I was insane, and the ex from hell. In reality if he had just talked to me it would have been better, but then again I didn't have to call either. I just was driven to do it.

Recently Cayla has been sick. She threw up all night Friday night and then has had diarrhea. On Friday, I had a friend over to watch movies. We were supposed to have gone out, but had to stay in because of the baby. I have tried very hard to keep the kids seperate from any "dates" I have had. This time I couldn't do that. So the guy ended up meeting Cayla. He held her and played with her and was over all very sweet to her. It made me realize that she needs a dad. I can't just date or hang out or whatever with random people all the time. I have to put the kids first. So I thought about the guy who was over and another I have been corresponding with.

The guy who was over and I were keeping thing emotionally detached and being friends. Having the baby with us changed that dynamic, so I don't think I will hear from him again. And if I did I would have to tell him I can't just hang out. The other guy and I have never met, only "spoken" on line. He seems to be a great guy and one I would love to meet and date. But after feeling so bad seeing Cayla with the other guy, I made one of my don't do it decisions. I emailed him and said I could not correpond anymore. I tried to explain but think I did a bad job of it. He has not said a single thing to me since. It kind of hurts me that he didn't even think enough of me to respond. He just disappeared off the face of the "planet." And what is worse is that if I had just talked to him before making a rash decision, we might have worked on a solution. But once again listening to the voice was bad. I can't undo what is done. I just have to live with the regret.

So which inner voice do you listen to, the good or the bad? And what is it about me that makes me choose the wrong one? I guess that is the question of the ages my friends.